A county cricket supporter [CCS] enters a sports shop. Behind the counter is the chairman of the ECB [COE]
CCS: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
COE: We’re closin’ for lunch.
CCS: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this ‘ere cricket competition what I’ve been following these last fifty years and for which you are responsible.
COE: Oh yes, the, uh, the County Championship…What’s, uh…What’s wrong with it?
CCS: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
COE: No, no, it’s uh,…it’s coping extremely well as it adapts to the rapidly changing world of cricket.
CCS: Look, matey, I know a dead county championship when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
COE: No,no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s a vital part of the domestic season and coping extremely well! Remarkable competition the county championship, isn’t it? Beautifully structured corporate hospitality packages.
CCS: The structure of its corporate hospitality packages doesn’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
COE: No, no, no, no, no! It’s an essential and highly valued part of the summer schedule.
CCS: All right then, if it’s highly valued, why are most of its games played at the outer fringes of the season; why are no games played in August when school children are free to attend; and why at the start of June, do some counties have only one more day this season scheduled to be played at the weekend? That is what I call a dead county championship.
COE: No, no…..No, it’s stunned!
CCS: STUNNED?!?
COE: Yeah! It’s just stunned. The county championship stuns easily.
CCS: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. This county championship is definitely deceased, and when I suggested as much to you previously, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out because there was too much cricket being played. And then you added a new, and totally unnecessary, competition.
COE: Well, it’s…it’s ah…probably pining to play at Lord’s.
CCS: PINING to play at LORD’S?!?!?!? Pining more like for a decent schedule and a quality one day competition that does indeed have its final played at the home of cricket. Answer me this. Why is the much loved and hugely entertaining county championship treated as an irrelevance by those who are supposed to look after its interests?
COE: Well perhaps it’s because it doesn’t bring in much money. Even so, it’s a remarkable competition. Beautifully structured corporate hospitality packages!
CCS: Look, I have taken the liberty of examining the county championship and I have discovered that the only reason that it has remained on its perch for as long as it has, is because of those who, because of their great love for the counties, continue to turn up to games in order to follow the teams that mean so much to them.
(pause)
COE: Well, of course! Given how poorly we promote it, if it wasn’t for the efforts of those tedious supporters who demand it should be taken seriously, it would have disappeared long ago. That’s the thing with the county championship – It’s very vigorous!
CCS: VIGOROUS!? Mate, this county championship wouldn’t be vigorous it you put four million volts through it! It’s demised!
COE: NO,no! It’s pining!
CCS: It’s not pining! It’s passed on! This county championship is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet it’s maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If it wasn’t for its supporters it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now history! Its off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, It’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP!
(pause)
COE: Well, I’d better replace it, then.
(He takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of county championships.
(pause)
CCS: (Incredulous) I see. I see, I get the picture.
COE: (pause) I’ve got an alternative though?
(pause)
CCS: (Mocking) Pray, does it encourage cricket to played in the way so cherished by lovers of the longest format of the game?
COE: Nnn- not really. It’s a format that we’re thinking of calling ‘The Fifty’!
CCS: WELL IT’S HARDLY A SATISFACTORY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
(He storms out and joins the increasing number who are losing all interest in the summer game. After all, he only ever wanted to be a lumberjack)
With apologies to Monty Python.
And having announced its death, here are a couple of spooky cricket stories related to county crickets demise:
To read ‘Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Deseted Cricket Ground’, click here
To read ‘A Cricketing Christmas Carol: A Ghost Story’, click here
Other Monty Python inspired cricket pieces
To read ‘A Somerset Cricket Players Emporium 2022’ click here
To read ‘A Cricket Taunt’, click here
To read ‘A Song for Brian’, click here
And also featuring Brian and Stumpy…
To read ‘Brian and Stumpy visit The Repair Shop’, click here
Other, non-cricketing sketches, inspired by Monty Python:
To read ‘The NHS Emporium’, click here
To read ‘The Dead NHS Sketch’, click here
To read ‘Monty Python and the NHS’, click here
To read ‘The Four Clinicians Sketch’, click here
To read ‘Doctor Creosote’, click here
Other cricket related posts:
This season:
To read ‘Importantly…why cricket doesn’t matter’, click here
To read ‘I Spy Somerset’s 150th Anniversary Season’, click here
To read ‘A Spring Watch’, click here
Last seasons’s cricketing blogs:
To read ‘Reasons to be cheerful’, click here
To read ‘First of the Summer Wine’, click here
To read ‘Safe and Sound at the County Ground, Taunton’, click here
To read ‘Is Cricket Amusing Itself to Death’, click here
To read ‘A Purr-fect day at the cricket’, click here
To read ‘Worth Every Penny’, click here
To read ‘The Somerset Cricket Emporium – 2024’, click here
To read ‘One Fine Day’, click here
To read ‘WWFD – what would Freddie do?’, click here
To read ‘A Shady News Story’, click here
To read ‘The Abolition of County Cricket’, click here
Cricketing blogs from 2023:
To read ‘20 Things we have learnt this summer’, click here
To read ‘When rain stops play’, click here
To read ‘Only a game’, click here
To read ‘The Hundred: is cricket amusing itself to death?’, click here
To read ‘The Somerset Cricket Emporium – 2023’, click here
To read ‘for the third time of asking, CRICKET’S COMING HOME…surely’, click here
To read ‘Twas the week of the final’, click here
To read ‘Sharing the important things: on introducing your grandchild to cricket’, click here
To read ‘Somerset v Nottinghamshire T20 Quarter Final 2023’, click here
To read ‘Breaking News’, click here
To read ‘Lewis Calpaldi – Retired Hurt?’, click here
To read ‘Cricket: It’s All About Good Timing’, click here
To read ‘Bazball, Bazchess, Bazlife’, click here
To read ‘Online criticism: it’s just not cricket’, click here
To read ‘Cigarettes, Singles, and Sipping Tea with Ian Botham: Signs of a Well Spent Youth!’, click here
To read ‘A Historic Day’, click here
To read ‘Cricket – through thick and thin’, click here
To read ‘Stumpy: A Legend Reborn’, click here
To read ‘my love is NOT a red, red rose’, click here
Cricketing blogs from previous years:
To read ‘A Cricketing Christmas Carol: A Ghost Story’, click here
To read ‘Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Deseted Cricket Ground’, click here
To read ‘Brian and Stumpy visit The Repair Shop’, click here
To read ‘A Tale of Two Tons’, click here
To read ‘A Song for Brian’, click here
To read ‘A Somerset Cricket Players Emporium 2022’ click here
To read ‘A Cricket Taunt’, click here
To read ‘At Season’s End’, click here
To read ‘A Day at the Cricket’, click here
To read ‘The Great Cricket Sell Off’, click here
To read ‘On passing a village cricket club at dusk one late November afternoon’ click here
To read ‘How the Grinch stole from county cricket…or at least tried to’. click here
To read ‘How Covid-19 stole the the cricket season’, click here
To read ‘A Cricket Tea Kind of a Day’, click here
To read ‘Life in the slow lane’, click here
To read ‘Frodo and the Format of Power’, click here
To read ‘If Only’, click here
To read ‘I’ve got a little CRICKET list’, click here
To read ‘Eve of the RLODC limericks’ click here
To read ‘It’s coming home…’, click here
To read ‘A Song for Ben Green’, click here
To read ‘Enough Said…’, the last section of which is cricket related, click here
A Jack Leach Trilogy:
To read ‘For when we can’t see why’, click here
To read ‘WWJD – What would Jack Do?’, click here
To read ‘On Playing a Blinder’, click here
To read ‘Coping with Disappointment’, click here
And to finish – a couple with a theological flavour
To read ‘Somerset CCC – Good for the soul’, click here
To read ‘Longing for the pavilion whilst enjoying a good innings’, click here
Some musings 