I’ve got a little list…

I’VE GOT A LITTLE LIST – Take One

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list

Of medical offenders who might well be underground

And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

There’s the patient who believes that he has suffered every ill

And even those he hasn’t yet he knows someday he will

The CQC inspector who insists the rules are kept

And pouring urine samples down the sink he won’t accept

The turmeric advisor – yes that dreadful herbalist –

I don’t think he’d be missed – I’m sure he’d not be missed.

.

He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;

And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed

.

There’s those who deal with teeth and gums who aren’t there to prescribe

The elusive dentist – I’ve got him on my list

And patients who have symptoms that they simply won’t describe

They just do not assist – they never would be missed

The chap who takes his jacket off and hangs it on the door

The halitotic sufferer whose breath you can’t ignore

The ones who by their actions make it clear that they’re acopic

The bloke who needs a blood test but who says he’s needle phobic

The one advised to see you by their crystal therapist –

I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not be missed!

.

He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;

And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed

.

The fellow feigning sickness who requires of you a note

That symptom fantasist – I’ve got him on my list

The ones, cos you were running late, complaining to you wrote

I wish they would desist – they never would be missed

The folk you ask what pills they take who haven’t got a clue

They only know that some are red and others they are blue

The ones who think they’re dying since they did that Google search

Who know that they’ve got cancer cos their little finger hurts

The medicines advisor who on certain drugs insists

I’d like to slap his wrist – I’m sure he’d not be missed.

.

He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;

And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed

.

And then there are the patients who have issues that are legion

They’ve got a long long list, I’ve got them on my list

Who seem to have a problem with their every bodily region

Their think perhaps a cyst, they never would be missed

Those moaners at prescription costs despite their untold wealth

And those who want a call from you who say they’ve ‘mental ‘elf’

And those who say it’s urgent though they’ve had their problem years

The chaps who come with issues with their gentlemanly spheres

Who really would be handled best by a vasectomist

He’d give them both a twist, I’m sure they’d not be missed.

.

He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;

And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed.

.

Those saying the pandemic was by Bill Gates orchestrated

The conspiracy theorist – I’ve got him on my list

And all those antivaxers who unfounded fears created

They never would be missed, they never would be missed

The one who says that Covid caused his cough in ‘92

And won’t accept a single thing you ever say is true

The people who in parliament who only cause us hassle

The government advisor that once went to Barnard Castle

Who should instead have gone to see, a skilled Optometrist

I don’t think he’d be missed – I’m sure he’d not be missed.

.

He’s got theem on the list — he’s got them em on the list;

And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed

.

After W.S Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan

For those unfamiliar with the song, the original appears in the comic opera, ‘The Mikado’, first performed at London’s Savoy Theatre in 1885. Sung by The Lord High Executioner, modern productions include topically updated versions of the song with tongue in cheek suggestions of those people whose loss, were he to be called upon to act professionally, would be a distinct gain to society. If you’d like to hear an example of a fairly recent version, a link to one follows.

https://youtu.be/-MDyurTABdU

.

I’VE GOT A LITTLE LIST – Take Two

Because, in reality, having always enjoyed good relationships with both patients and colleagues alike, and that includes dentists and medicine management advisors, there are many I’ll miss when my time comes to retire from General Practice. Please be assured that the truth is that I am really very fond of everyone that my job brings me into contact with and no more mean to suggest real criticism in the above than, presumably, Gilbert and Sullivan did when, in their original song, they identified children who had an impressive knowledge of historical dates and those with irritating laughs as those deserving of the attention of the Lord High Executioner.

.

As one day I’ll retire when my working days are done

I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list

Of people I will want to thank, who’ve made my job such fun

They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed

There’s the patients who forgave me for mistakes that were my fault

The folk who every Christmas gave me smokey single malt

And those who every morning, at half ten knocked on my door

And brought me cups of coffee and those biscuits I adore

They’re none of them draconic, those kind receptionists

They’ll all of them be missed – they’ll all of them be missed.

.

I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;

And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.

.

And then there are the nurses who were always sympathetic

I’ve got them on my list, I’ve got them on my list

When I got into a pickle managing a diabetic

They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed

The HCAs who helpfully squeezed in those ECGs

And never made me beg for one whilst down upon my knees

The times when I had issued drugs whilst just a tad distracted

And someone pointed out the way they may have interacted

Indeed I am so grateful to our helpful pharmacists

I know that they’ll be missed – I’m sure that they’ll be missed.

.

I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;

And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.

.

The team up there in admin, those who type what I dictate

I’ve got them on my list, I’ve got them on my list

Who hear the words I mumble that they’ll first have to translate

Though I sent them round the twist, they’ll all of them be missed

The practice manager who I have driven up the wall

By not reading my emails and by changing my on call

My partners who I have been glad to have close by my side

Who’ve been there as I’ve laughed a lot, who’ve been there as I’ve cried

Well I am very sure now that you all have got the gist

They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed.

.

I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;

And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.


To read ‘A Very Model of a General Practitioner?’, click here

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