I’VE GOT A LITTLE LIST – Take One
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list
Of medical offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the patient who believes that he has suffered every ill
And even those he hasn’t yet he knows someday he will
The CQC inspector who insists the rules are kept
And pouring urine samples down the sink he won’t accept
The turmeric advisor – yes that dreadful herbalist –
I don’t think he’d be missed – I’m sure he’d not be missed.
.
He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed
.
There’s those who deal with teeth and gums who aren’t there to prescribe
The elusive dentist – I’ve got him on my list
And patients who have symptoms that they simply won’t describe
They just do not assist – they never would be missed
The chap who takes his jacket off and hangs it on the door
The halitotic sufferer whose breath you can’t ignore
The ones who by their actions make it clear that they’re acopic
The bloke who needs a blood test but who says he’s needle phobic
The one advised to see you by their crystal therapist –
I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not be missed!
.
He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed
.
The fellow feigning sickness who requires of you a note
That symptom fantasist – I’ve got him on my list
The ones, cos you were running late, complaining to you wrote
I wish they would desist – they never would be missed
The folk you ask what pills they take who haven’t got a clue
They only know that some are red and others they are blue
The ones who think they’re dying since they did that Google search
Who fear that cos their tongue is white they’ll soon fall off their perch
The medicines advisor who on certain drugs insists
I’d like to slap his wrist – I’m sure he’d not be missed.
.
He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed
.
And then there are the patients who have issues that are legion
They’ve got a long long list, I’ve got them on my list
Who seem to have a problem with their every bodily region
Their think perhaps a cyst, they never would be missed
Those moaners at prescription costs despite their untold wealth
And those who want a call from you who say they’ve ‘mental ‘elf’
And those who say it’s urgent though they’ve had their problem years
The chaps who come with issues with their gentlemanly spheres
Who really would be handled best by a vasectomist
He’d give them both a twist, I’m sure they’d not be missed.
.
He’s got them on the list — he’s got them on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed.
.
Those saying the pandemic was by Bill Gates orchestrated
The conspiracy theorist – I’ve got him on my list
And all those antivaxers who unfounded fears created
They never would be missed, they never would be missed
The one who says that Covid caused his cough in ‘92
And won’t accept a single thing you ever say is true
The people who in parliament who only cause us hassle
The government advisor that once went to Barnard Castle
Who should instead have gone to see, a skilled Optometrist
I don’t think he’d be missed – I’m sure he’d not be missed.
.
He’s got theem on the list — he’s got them em on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed — they’ll none of them be missed
.
After W.S Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan
A rendition of this song, performed by Lenny the Lion can be found on my Facebook page on April 30th 2022.
For those unfamiliar with the song, the original appears in the comic opera, ‘The Mikado’, first performed at London’s Savoy Theatre in 1885. Sung by The Lord High Executioner, modern productions include topically updated versions of the song with tongue in cheek suggestions of those people whose loss, were he to be called upon to act professionally, would be a distinct gain to society. If you’d like to hear an example of a fairly recent version, a link to one follows.
.
I’VE GOT A LITTLE LIST – Take Two
Because, in reality, having always enjoyed good relationships with both patients and colleagues alike, and that includes dentists and medicine management advisors, there are many I’ll miss when my time comes to retire from General Practice. Please be assured that the truth is that I am really very fond of everyone that my job brings me into contact with and no more mean to suggest real criticism in the above than, presumably, Gilbert and Sullivan did when, in their original song, they identified children who had an impressive knowledge of historical dates and those with irritating laughs as those deserving of the attention of the Lord High Executioner.
.
As one day I’ll retire when my working days are done
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list
Of people I will want to thank, who’ve made my job such fun
They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed
There’s the patients who forgave me for mistakes that were my fault
The folk who every Christmas gave me smokey single malt
And those who every morning, at half ten knocked on my door
And brought me cups of coffee and those biscuits I adore
They’re none of them draconic, those kind receptionists
They’ll all of them be missed – they’ll all of them be missed.
.
I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;
And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.
.
And then there are the nurses who were always sympathetic
I’ve got them on my list, I’ve got them on my list
When I got into a pickle managing a diabetic
They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed
The HCAs who helpfully squeezed in those ECGs
And never made me beg for one whilst down upon my knees
The times when I had issued drugs whilst just a tad distracted
And someone pointed out the way they may have interacted
Indeed I am so grateful to our helpful pharmacists
I know that they’ll be missed – I’m sure that they’ll be missed.
.
I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;
And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.
.
The team up there in admin, those who type what I dictate
I’ve got them on my list, I’ve got them on my list
Who hear the words I mumble that they’ll first have to translate
Though I sent them round the twist, they’ll all of them be missed
The practice manager who I have driven up the wall
By not reading my emails and by changing my on call
My partners who I have been glad to have close by my side
Who’ve been there as I’ve laughed a lot, who’ve been there as I’ve cried
Well I am very sure now that you all have got the gist
They’ll all of them be missed, they’ll all of them be missed.
.
I’ve got ’em on the list — I’ve got ’em on the list;
And they’ll all of ’em be missed — they’ll all of ’em be missed.
A rendition of this song, performed by Lenny the Lion can be found on my Facebook page on May 13t 2022.
To read ‘I’ve got a little CRICKET list’, click here
To read ‘A Very Model of a General Practitioner?’, click here
Some musings 
19 thoughts on “I’ve got a little list…”