I am a type of doctor one who majors in the general,

I have a working knowledge of those matters anatomical,

I deal with illness physical, and problems psychological,

And try to make suggestions that aren’t only pharmaceutical.


Each day at work I undertake, a range of consultat-i-ons,

And lately have become one skilled, in giving vaccinat-i-ons,

I’m always on the look out for, hern-i-al strangulat-i-ons,

Whilst still exploring all ideas, concerns, and expectat-i-ons.


I’m competent if called upon, to tackle venesect-i-ons,

And know just what I am to do with urinary infect-i-ons,

I know the interval between all those B12 inject-i-ons,

And for appraisal purposes, I note down all re-flect-i-ons.


I know that those who vomit blood will contact me annoyedly,

And so I give a PPI with all drugs non-steroidal-y,

And those who come to me who have been bleeding haemorrhoidally,

I duly send them for a scope, exploring them sigmoidally.


I love to sit with patients both the shy and the loq-ua-ci-ous,

And listen to their stories which, are sometimes quite sal-a-ci-ous,

But nothing brings me greater joy than when I’m effi-ca-ci-ous,

At, with a little xylocaine, removing cysts seba-ce-ous.


In truth those houseman days of old, were like a fire baptis-i-mal,

But now my days in medicine are not so very dis-i-mal,

There are of course those things at which I’d truly be abys-i-mal,

E.g. repairing pulsatile aortas aneurys-i-mal.


After W.S. Gilbert and Arthur’s Sullivan

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