THE DEAD NHS SKETCH

A healthcare provider [HP] enters a government shop. Behind the counter is the Secretary of State for Health [SSH]

HP: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

SSH: We’re closin’ for lunch.

HP: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this health system what I’ve been trying to work in these last thirty years and for which you are responsible.

SSH: Oh yes, the, uh, the National Health Service…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

HP: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

SSH: No, no, it’s uh,…it’s coping extremely well under what are admittedly difficult circumstances.

HP: Look, matey, I know a dead health service when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

SSH: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s coping extremely well! Remarkable health service, the NHS, isn’t it? Beautifully designed hospitals!

HP: The architectural style of it’s hospitals doesn’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

SSH: No no no no, no, no! It’s coping!

HP: All right then, if it’s coping, why are A&E departments turning people away due to their lack of capacity to treat them, why can’t you get an ambulance to attend life threatening emergencies in a timely fashion, and why are 500 patients dying unnecessarily every week because of delays in their receiving treatment? That is what I call a dead health service.

SSP: No, no…..No, it’s stunned!

HP: STUNNED?!?

SSH: Yeah! It’s just stunned. The NHS stuns easily.

HP: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. This health service is definitely deceased, and when I suggested as much to you previously, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged pandemic.

SSH: Well, it’s…it’s ah…probably pining for the wards.

HP: PINING for the WARDS?!?!?!? Pining more like for some adequate funding and an end to all the cuts it’s been forced to endure in recent years. Answer me this. Why is the NHS constantly either down on its knees or flat on it’s back?

SSH: That’s how we like to see the NHS these days. On its knees or flat on its back! Remarkable health service, isn’t, squire? Lovely designed hospitals!

HP: Look, I have taken the liberty of examining this health service and I have discovered the only reason that it has been sitting on its perch for as long as it has is because of those employed within it who are killing themselves trying to keep it upright.

(pause)

SSH: Well, of course! Given how poorly it’s funded, if it wasn’t for staff daily trying to keep the thing from spiralling out of control, the NHS would be gone for good. It’d be out of sight. That’s the thing with the NHS – It’s very vigorous!

HP: VIGOROUS!? Mate, this health service wouldn’t be vigorous it you put four million volts through it! It’s demised!

SSH: No no! It’s pining!

HP: It’s not pining! It’s passed on! This health service is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet it’s maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If it wasn’t for hardworking staff it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now history! Its off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, It’s shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-HEALTH SERVICE!!

(pause)

SSH: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of national health services.

(pause)

HP: (Incredulous) I see. I see, I get the picture.

SSH: (pause) I got a private one?.

(pause)

HP: (Mocking) Pray, does it provide care free at the point of need?

SSP: Nnn- not really.

HP: WELL IT’S HARDLY A SATISFACTORY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

(He storms out and joins the increasing number of healthcare providers who are leaving the NHS. After all, he only ever wanted to be a lumberjack]

With apologies to Monty Python.


Other unlikely tales beginning with four more inspired by Monty Python

To read ‘The NHS Emporium’, click here

To read ‘Monty Python and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘The Four Clinicians Sketch’, click here

To read ‘Docteur Creosote’, click here

To read ‘the day LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD got sick’ click here

To read ‘Mr Benn – the GP’, click here

To read ‘A GP called Paddington’, click here

To read ‘Scooby Doo and the Deserted Medical Centre’, click here

To read ‘Paddington and the Ailing Elderly Relative’, click here

To read ‘Dr Jonathan Harker and the post evening surgery home visit’, click here

To read ‘Bagpuss and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘Jeeves and the Hormone Deficiency’, click here

To read ‘Jeepy Leepy and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘The Three Little GPs and the Big Bad Secretary of State for Health’, click here

To read ‘A Dream of an Antiques Roadshow’, click here

To read ‘Mr McGregor’s Revenge – A Tale of Peter Rabbit’, click here

To read ‘The Scrooge Chronicles’, click here

To read ‘Dr Wordle and the Mystery Diagnosis’, click here

To read ‘The Happy Practice – A Cautionary Tale’, click here

To read ‘The Three General Practitioners Gruff’, click here

To read ‘General Practices are Go!’, click here

To read ‘A Mission Impossible’, click here

To read ‘A Grimm Tale’, click here

To read ‘The General Practitioner – Endangered’, click here

To read ‘The State of Disrepair Shop’, click here


Other blogs with a cricketing them and a considerable nod to Monty Python:

To read ‘The Somerset Player Emporium’, click here

To read ‘A Song for Brian’, click here

To read ‘A Cricket Taunt’, click here

4 responses to “THE DEAD NHS SKETCH”

  1. Where is John Cleese when you need him?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is brilliant! Sad but brilliant.

    Liked by 1 person

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