Amidst continuing denials of a national shortage of antibiotics, it was announced today that Milk Tray Man had been recruited in a bid to improve the supply of penicillin to pharmacies.

Asked why it was that the former special forces operative, one renowned for his ability to deliver irrespective of how challenging the circumstances, was now required, Steve Barclay reiterated what was recently made clear by his predecessor, Thérèse Coffey, that current government policy was that antimicrobial agents should be dished out like smarties. As such, the Secretary of State for Health said, Milk Tray Man’s experience in delivering essential confectionery would prove invaluable.

In related news, it was revealed today that, whereas in previous years parents had gone to any lengths to get hold of a model of Tracey Island, a Tamigotcha or a Cabbage Patch Doll, this year’s most wanted children’s gift is a bottle of phenoxymethylpenicillin sugar free suspension. Long queues have been forming outside GP surgeries, made up of parents who do not want their children to be disappointed by their not having a bottle of the sought after strawberry flavoured liquid to crack open on Christmas morning. One hard pressed primary care employee said of the current demand, ‘We’ve never seen anything like it.’

The increased popularity this year of pharmaceuticals as stocking fillers has not been good news for the producers of more traditional Christmas gifts. The CEO of Laplands leading toy manufacturer announced that he had been forced to lay off 30% of his permanent workforce with those remaining being employed only on seasonal, zero-hour contracts. Conceding that this wasn’t good for anybody’s elf, Mr Kris Kringle claimed he had no option. Casting further doubt on the long term viability of his business model, the red faced figure went on to say that, in light of rising energy bills he was now struggling to heat the workshops he had established, perhaps unwisely, in one of the coldest regions of the world. As a result he was being forced to further reduce staffing levels amongst those whose job it was to deliver his products. It was with regret, he said, that he would not, therefore, be replacing Donner and Blitzen, two of his longest serving employees, when they finally came to retire in the new year.

Mr Kringle refused to be drawn as to whether it was inevitable that he would soon be no longer able to provide gifts to the world’s children free at the point of desire, conceding only that, like everybody else, he was having to tighten his belt around what is, in his case, an exceedingly large waistline.

Other tales of The Secretary of State for Health:

To read ‘I’m a government minister, hold me accountable for my actions’, click here

To read ‘I’m a GP…get me out of here!’, click here

To read ‘GPs are responsible – it’s time they went’, lick here

To read ‘At last…an explanation’, click here

To read ‘The Three Little GPs and the Big Bad Secretary of State for Health’, click here

And some more unlikely stories:

To read ‘Mr Benn – the GP’, click here

To read ‘A GP called Paddington’, click here

To read ‘Scooby Doo and the Deserted Medical Centre’, click here

To read ‘Paddington and the Ailing Elderly Relative’, click here

To read ‘Dr Jonathan Harker and the post evening surgery home visit’, click here

To read ‘Bagpuss and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘A Dream of an Antiques Roadshow’, click here

To read ‘The NHS Emporium’, click here

To read ‘Mr McGregor’s Revenge – A Tale of Peter Rabbit’, click here

To read ‘Jeepy Leepy and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘The Three General Practitioners Gruff’, click here

To read ‘Dr Wordle and the Mystery Diagnosis’, click here

To read ‘The Happy Practice – A Cautionary Tale’, click here

To read ‘The Scrooge Chronicles’, click here

To read ‘Jeeves and the Hormone Deficiency’, click here

To read ‘General Practices are Go!’, click here

To read ‘A Mission Impossible’, click here

To read ‘A Grimm Tale’, click here

To read ‘The General Practitioner – Endangered’, click here

To read ‘The State of Disrepair Shop’, click here

And finally, to read ‘General Practice – is time running out?’, a blog written following the resignation of Liz Truss as Prime Minister, click here

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