MONTY PYTHON AND THE NHS

Recently I came into possession of the following, a transcript of a recent conversation that took place at a Somerset GP practice. The shouted interchange was between the Secretary of State for Health [SSH] and the senior partner [SP], the latter calling down his responses from the roof of the building, through an open velux window, out of which he was poking his head.

As well as revealing the willingness of general practitioners to embrace their regional dialect, it gives some credence to the long held belief that there are those within government who want to see the introduction of a private healthcare system.

SSH: Hello!…Hello!

SP: Alright me’luvver? Who be you?

SSH: It is I, the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, and these are the members of the cabinet. We are on a sacred mission. Will you ask the one who leads your practice to join us in promoting a new healthcare system for this country?

SP: Well, I’ll ask ‘ee, but I don’t think ee’ll loike it. Uh, ‘ee’s already got one, you see?

SSH: What? You say you’ve already got one? Are you sure?

SP: Oh, yes, it’s gurt lush!

SSH: Oh you mean the NHS. Well, um, will you join us in developing an alternative private healthcare system?

SP: Of course not! Coz we ain’t heartless Westminster types with no interest in the health and well-being of ordinary members of the public.

SSH: Well, what are you then?

SP: Ooo aah! We be everyday Zummerset healthcare providers. Why do think we have this outrageous West Country accent, you silly Secretary of State person!

SSH: If you will not accept this new private way of delivering medical interventions we will systematically cut services within the NHS. Furthermore we will so underfund the provision of healthcare such that in time the whole system will inevitably collapse. Thus it is our expectation and hope that soon, when patients are needlessly dying for want of timely treatment, they will lose faith in an NHS that has provided for them these past 75 years and, rather than receiving it free at the point of need, welcome instead the opportunity to pay for their care. (He gives an evil laugh)

SP: Ark at ‘ee! You don’t frighten us, you grockle you! G’woam and boil your briefing papers, son of a silly person. I spill my Thatchers on you, you so-called Health Sec, you and all your silly cabinet collaborate-tors Thppppt!

FELLOW MEMBER OF CABINET: (to Secretary of State for Health) What a peasant!

SSH: Now look here, my good man!

SP: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed private policy maker!…… I toss my stethoscope in your general direction! Your mother was a CQC inspector and your father smelt of anaerobes!

SSH: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

SP: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

SSH: Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.

SP: (to fellow practice member) Fetch the venerable Practice Manager!

The practice manager is summoned to the roof space of the medical centre and unceremoniously hurled down on the gathered members of the cabinet who, though chastened, remain undaunted. They return to London to continue to work out their nefarious plans for the dismantling of the NHS.

With yet more apologies to Monty Python


Other unlikely tales – beginning with four more inspired by Monty Python:

To read ‘The NHS Emporium’, click here

To read ‘The Dead NHS Sketch’, click here

To read ‘The Four Clinicians Sketch’, click here

To read ‘Docteur Creosote’, click here

To read ‘the day LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD got sick’ click here

To read ‘Mr Benn – the GP’, click here

To read ‘A GP called Paddington’, click here

To read ‘Scooby Doo and the Deserted Medical Centre’, click here

To read ‘Paddington and the Ailing Elderly Relative’, click here

To read ‘Dr Jonathan Harker and the post evening surgery home visit’, click here

To read ‘Bagpuss and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘Jeeves and the Hormone Deficiency’, click here

To read ‘Jeepy Leepy and the NHS’, click here

To read ‘The Three Little GPs and the Big Bad Secretary of State for Health’, click here

To read ‘A Dream of an Antiques Roadshow’, click here

To read ‘Mr McGregor’s Revenge – A Tale of Peter Rabbit’, click here

To read ‘The Scrooge Chronicles’, click here

To read ‘Dr Wordle and the Mystery Diagnosis’, click here

To read ‘The Happy Practice – A Cautionary Tale’, click here

To read ‘The Three General Practitioners Gruff’, click here

To read ‘General Practices are Go!’, click here

To read ‘A Mission Impossible’, click here

To read ‘A Grimm Tale’, click here

To read ‘The General Practitioner – Endangered’, click here

To read ‘The State of Disrepair Shop’, click here


Other blogs with a cricketing them and a considerable nod to Monty Python:

To read ‘The Somerset Player Emporium’, click here

To read ‘A Song for Brian’, click here

To read ‘A Cricket Taunt’, click here

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