Some say that the only thing a narcissist can be sure of is their absolute love for themselves. And that the problem such people have is that the more they promote themselves, the more those they hope to impress tend to turn away.
But before we pour too much disdain on those who act in such a manner, perhaps we should look at ourselves – and at a world that constantly encourages us to be proud of who we are, insisting as it does that we’re all awesome.
Until of course we’re not.
Because unless we recognise the trap we’re being lured into, we’re all going to get caught – snared by our own supposed self-importance and thus confined to a lifetime of unhappiness.
There are, I think, at least three ways in which this inherent longing to be someone of significance can manifest itself.
The first is to drive ourselves into the ground trying to be good enough. Day after day we strive ever harder to meet the expectations of others whilst never being prepared to tell the truth – that, today at least, what’s being asked of us is more than we can provide. Instead we struggle on, momentarily enjoying the appreciation of others when, on occasions perhaps, we have managed to measure up, before crashing back down again only to be left with our ongoing self-doubt and self-loathing.
And when we finally crack, when we can’t go on any longer and the sympathy finally arrives from those who seem surprised that the one who seemed so nice, so reliable, wasn’t quite what they thought, it’s all too late. Because the damage has already been done.
And then there are those who despite their striving, have never once known the approval of others. As those who don’t seem to fit in, they are simply ignored – if that is, they were ever noticed in the first place. And so, having learnt that they’ll never be loved for who they are, they stop bothering to try – and begin to hate others. And as they do they resort to behaviour that is sometimes antisocial, sometimes inhumane, and always self-destructive.
Finally, there are the narcissists who are caught between the other two expressions of what is at heart the same fear – that of being ordinary. And so, unloved by others and with nobody offering them the praise they crave, they try to love themselves – by proclaiming their greatness to any who will listen and, by shouting ever louder, to those who don’t want to hear as well.
But in the end it’s only themselves who take note of what they say. And to counter their own growing doubts, about what they only ever tried to believe about who they were, they end up screaming at themselves.
But haven’t we all, on occasions, fallen into each of these three patterns of behaviour?
Haven’t we all sometimes pretended we were somebody we’re not in order to please someone else – gone the extra mile, not because we wanted to help, but because we wanted to be admired?
Haven’t we all said ‘stuff it’ – and indulged in unhelpful behaviour, be that one too many chocolates or an uncharitable comment made about someone we like to think we’re better than, so as to feel less uneasy about ourselves?
And haven’t we all promoted ourselves in the hope of being noticed favourably by others?
I know I have, and not only by writing this opinion piece – that I’ve now shared on social media platforms in the hope that it’d be liked.
So then because none of us can be universally loved by pleasing everyone all of the time, because we dare not descend into hatred and self-loathing, and because narcissists don’t love themselves but only ever endeavour to do so, we’re all in need of a solution.
And so the question becomes: what is it? What do we need to know or, perhaps be reminded of, that might make a real difference? What might enable us to love as we ought – not for what we can get, but for what we can give?
Well perhaps it is simply this: to be loved in such a way ourselves.
Because there is, I think, something wrong with all of us – something that curves us in on ourselves so that we seek satisfaction within rather than without. As a result of which we become blind to the glory that really is out there – most specifically in the one who, as well as being awesome enough to be worthy of our admiration, loves us in the way we have always longed to be – not because of what we do, but because of who we are.
Not because we’re lovely – but because He is loving.
Related posts:
To read ‘Somewhere over the rainbow’, click here
To read ‘When the jokes on you’, click here.
To read ‘With great power…’, click here.
To read ‘Professor Ian Aird – a time to die?’, click here
Some musings 